Open and honest

I am coming to terms with the fact that there are just some things in life that one has to accept no matter how much one doesn’t understand them.  I am a pretty open person and like for people to be open with me as well.  I enjoy an open dialogue and an open and honest discussion when it comes to emotions, feelings, etc with another person or group of people.  I don’t like to shy away from these conversations and I feel as though they are important in order for both parties to grow not only as people but in their respective relationships.  I try hard to maintain open lines of communications with all of my relationships but sometimes it is hard.  Not everyone wants to be as open as I am and I need to accept that.  It’s not as hard as one may think, it’s actually kinda easy, but it hurts sometimes when people don’t want to open up to you and you want to open up with them.  People are all different and deal with things in different ways and I understand this and accept it but it doesn’t mean that it makes it any easier or less hurtful at times.  I’m not sure that hurtful is the right word though.  It sounds harsher that I want it to but I’m not sure what to replace it with.  Perhaps a bruised ego on my part is what it really is instead of hurtful but who knows.  I just know that I don’t always understand it and that is hard for me.  I want to understand and be there for the person but I can’t do that if I’m not being allowed to and that is a difficult concept for me.  I’m the one that wants to be helpful and listen to the person and be supportive of them and when I can’t do that I feel inadequate.  Inadequate in the sense that I’m not able to do one of the things that I enjoy doing and seem to be decent at.  It typically leaves me feeling frustrated but I must be getting better at accepting this because I am not frustrated tonight just disappointed.  Disappointed for selfish reasons but nonetheless disappointed.  I probably shouldn’t be disappointed either because that really isn’t fair but that is the way I feel right now.  I want to feel needed and wanted and sometimes I don’t and not because of the end result but because of me being left out of the discussion on why things are happening the way they are or why different decisions are being made or what change of plans are made that effect me and leave me disappointed because I was looking forward to something and can’t express it.  I guess the main thing that I want accomplished is for me to be able to accept that we all deal with things differently and that no matter how much I dislike the way it is being handled I need to just accept it and have faith that it’ll work out in the end – it always has in the past anyways.  I am proud of myself though because although I am disappointed this time a small part of me, especially after writing this, understands why and I’m ok with it – honestly!

Not the day.

Today was a long day.  I need to learn how to control my emotions and keep some of my thoughts to myself.  One day I will master this ability I hope but today was not the day.

Just some thoughts …

I think that sometimes you just have to have faith and trust.  Let things go that don’t need to be worried about at the moment and enjoy the ride.  Yes, we all have a past but that past helps to make us who we are today and I’m more than okay with that.  Learning from our past no matter how good or bad it was is important and those lessons that were learned can be carried forward into future endeavors.  I also think that sometimes you just have to be patient and let people work things out themselves and once they do then perhaps they’ll open up to you and if not you just need to accept it and move past it.  There are reasons for everything that happens but sometimes you don’t need to know them you just need to accept where you stand and let that be enough even if it’s hard for you to do because sometimes that is the best thing.  You always have to have faith and trust and as long as you have that then I think that things will always turn out for the best.

Interesting to say the least!

Today had to be one of the most interesting days ever and no I am not over exaggerating anything.  I won’t go into details or anything because those really aren’t that important.  What is important is that sometimes people do some really mean and vicious things for reasons that are unclear.  I’m going with the mean and vicious here because that is what I have decided this all was.   I still don’t understand it and I guess that I don’t have to.  My life has been so drama free lately and for this to happen just really got to me — way too much drama and for what?  To make someone else’s life more satisfying?  Satisfying how?  By attempting to ruin a good thing?  To cause questions to emerge however short lived they were?  I’m just one of those girls who doesn’t see the point in all of that at all.  I’m a nice girl.  Sometimes I’m overly naive, but not this time.  I trust and that is good enough for me.  Honesty has always been a major thing and until it has been proven broken then it’s still 100% plus in tact for me no matter who tries to tear it down.  I hope that writing this doesn’t make me any less of a person in anyone’s eyes because I didn’t mean for this to sound mean or detrimental to anyone’s persona but I was really hurt by today’s activities and I do not understand at all.  I’m not sure if this was written to help me to deal with it, to purge, or to just ramble but whatever it was I do feel a lot better.  What can I say – I have great friends, great co-workers and a great guy that helped to make today infinitely better than what it started out as.

Culmination of the Year …

Everything that my students and I have worked for comes to an end tomorrow at 9 am when they sit down in front of their computers and take their SOL test.  I wasn’t worried about it until this morning but I have come to terms with it and understand that we have done everything that we can to prepare them for tomorrow.  I have great kids and I know that they are more than prepared for their test.  A part of me wishes that I could be in the room with all 4 of my classes but I can’t.  I will be providing breakfast for all of my kids and will be able to see them right before they go off to take their test and encourage them one last time.  I am so proud of them and I hope that they know it.  I’m a pretty open teacher with them so I know that they will be able to see the emotion in my face and eyes when I talk to them in the morning.  Absolutely zero history talk in the morning though.  Just some light fun encouragement and reminders to take their time and to read carefully.  I want an 85%-93% pass rate this year and currently that is looking like a SUPER huge feat to accomplish but if anyone in my school can do it it is MY students!!!  I believe in them and they know that I do and I think that that will make all of the difference in the world tomorrow.  Hopefully when I post next, it will be with some positive results – regardless though I will be proud of my kids because I have pushed them very hard this year to be better than their best and they have risen to the occasion all year long.

Going to the Chapel … well not me but my best friend did!

So it’s been a few days since I have posted anything and so much has been going on!  My best friend got married this weekend and it was absolutely fantastic!  She looked amazing and the rain stopped just in time for her big day.  It was so much fun helping her to get ready and to be a part of so many things with her.  Lori’s mom, Cathy, arranged for me to go with her, Lori and Lindsey to the spa on Friday for a brown sugar body scrub and a stone massage.  It was WONDERFUL and definitely worth missing school over.  The rehearsal was fun and quick and the dinner was VERY good.  Tony came and met the family and my best friend and I think that that went over well too.  The actual wedding day was also pretty fun because I got my hair and make-up done with Lori and Lindsey and just got to spend some quality time with my best friend.  My brother and I were both in the wedding party and he actually took pictures with me and it was just strange for us to do things that required us to do the same thing and enjoy it.  The reception was also fun.  I got to hangout with some old friends – Jennifer, Doug, Jersey, Brandon, Chris, etc.  It was kinda weird dancing with my brother’s friends because they are so much like my own brothers but it was good to dance and to enjoy myself even if I did get teased for indulging in nothing but water all night!  All in all it was a GREAT night and I can’t wait to hangout with the newlyweds when they return from their European cruise to catch up with them and tell them how wonderful everything was and just spend time with my best friend.  Pictures are up on my flickr site with more to come but I’ll put a few on here for easier viewing. http://www.flickr.com/photos/jrball05

 

Lori and I before she walked down the aisle. Love the best friend!

Pretty in Pink and keeping with the Gone with the Wind theme!

My brother and I being introduced. So nice that our best friends married each other.

Not a bad looking picture at all. Definitely one for the photo album!

After being in stilettos all day it was nice to finally change and yes I did change in the parking and sorry but it was a completely G-rated change.

Bright Pink

I just wanted to let the world know that I LOVE my new nail color.  It is happy, bright, and makes me smile.  Why am I blogging about this you ask?  Well because I LOVE being happy and finding new things that make me happy  hence a blog about bright pink nail polish!!!  I think that it looks even better because of my tan and the hot gold shoes that I’m currently rocking.  And for the record, yes, I am currently walking around the house in my brother’s old football shorts, a school t-shirt, and gold stilettos and let me tell you – I look good!  Okay so I look more silly than good but I gotta break these shoes in for the wedding Saturday and what better way to do that than by walking around like a silly girl in them?  Besides, I want to see the “happy” polish and if the shoes aren’t on my feet then socks will go on and I currently do not want that!

My Mommy

So seeing as today is Mother’s Day, I figured that I would blog about my mom.  She is a GREAT mom even if I don’t give her enough credit sometimes.  She puts her heart and soul into everything for us and I know that all moms do this but of course I’m going to think that my mother does it the best just like you are going to think that yours does.  You see, my mom and I are not the closest people in the world, mainly because I get annoyed too easily and when I was younger I couldn’t keep that in check but now I do a pretty good job.  A good enough job that I don’t mind spending a whole day with her – trust me this was hard as a teenager and even during college because well I hate how indecisive she is and how dependent on other people she is at times.  I have however, learned over time to embrace these qualities in my mom and have come to understand that they are a part of who she is and they are not going to change.  My mom deserves a lot of credit for who I’ve turned out to be because I did a lot of things to prove that I wasn’t just like her (I look just like her and heard that my WHOLE life – she taught in the same building as me from the time I was in 1st grade until I graduated high school.).  My trying to prove that I wasn’t just like her, I ended up being a combination of my own person and her to a degree.  I’ve come to realize that being like her in some aspects of life really isn’t that bad.  Okay, so I’m pretty sure that I’ve digressed quite a bit tonight!  I really wanted to just say how great my mom is and how much I love her and appreciate everything that she has done for me and continues to do for me.  I love you mom and thank you.

Moving Out

I made the decision today.  I AM going to move out this summer.  Scary thought to some degree because it means that I’ll actually have to pay “real” bills again and learn how to cook for myself again.  However, it also means that I get my own space again and my privacy back.  I also will back in one of my favorite places – Williamsburg!  Another perk is the fact that I get to sleep in until 6ish instead of that horrible 445 that I wake-up to now.

Semi excited about becoming a grown-up again and reducing the financial burden that I am on my parents! … Which I have been assured numerous times that I am … and I have given in and seen his side and agree …

3 week break

Today’s gym appearance was much needed.  It had been way too long since I had actually been and I’m definitely feeling it some now in my legs.  However I really needed to go and it did feel good.  It had been a long day at work and I wanted to let off some steam – not going to get into the details of that but we’ll suffice it to say that I need to learn to just let things go and do it.  Anyways the gym was good at making me feel a little better.  I even did my most disliked machine.  It’s like an elliptical but the legs go longer and have different elevations and it’s alright.  I don’t like it because it kicks my butt every time and because well once when I got off of it I didn’t realize that the leg would swing back at me and while it didn’t really hit me hard it left a bruise on my leg and so now when I step off I literally jump back to avoid it.  It was a nice workout though and hopefully tomorrow will be even better and maybe I’ll do a machine I like like the stairmaster, elliptical, or treadmill.